I never thought I would be sharing about infertility until I realized it was National Infertility Awareness Week. To be honest, I didn’t know this existed, but I’m SO glad it does! No one wants to be in this club, but it turns out there are some lovely people here!
I’m a somewhat private person and don’t always love to overshare, but I don’t think that’s why it feels like such a vulnerable and scary topic. I think the main reason is because I hate conflict or making people feel uncomfortable, and infertility makes people feel VERY uncomfortable. Why? I think every reason drills down to the fact that no one has control here.
Your doctor, partner, family, friends, all want what is best and can help in so many different and equally wonderful ways, but really everything is left to chance. Would you bet on something that only had a 5% chance? Probably not, but we are going to play to win anyway.
My husband and I decided about two years ago that we wanted to add to our family, and it has not been an easy experience. I know there are many stories in the infertility arena, and some are so much harder and more gut wrenching than mine. However, we need to ensure that every single person’s story is heard, no matter how long or how challenging their infertility journey is or was.
I apologize if this topic makes you uncomfortable, but frankly, I don’t give a damn (Gone with the Wind reference for the win, anyone?!) We are all afraid of things we don’t understand, so we (anyone related to infertility) must MAKE everyone understand. And the only way we can do that is to SPEAK UP, and end any confusion or stigma that this infertility club has.
I know that speaking out won’t immediately make this journey a success, and won’t eliminate the shame, guilt, sadness or stress that I sometimes feel by not being able to do something my body “should” be able to do naturally. No matter what the circumstance, it is unfortunate to learn that something you really want and feel will add value to your life is going to be a much harder, longer, and more expensive journey than you initially thought.
However, I also feel intense joy and excitement about what lies ahead for us. I am lucky to have a supportive partner that makes me feel like a superhero, and I don’t know how I could do this alone (actually, I literally couldn’t do it alone because I’m afraid to poke myself with a needle haha).
The saying “comparison is the thief of joy” is always so true in this age of social media, but I feel it so much during infertility too. Sometimes when I see more pregnancy announcements online or think about how couples even get pregnant on accident, I feel a twinge of anger and sadness. I try to sit in that feeling for as long as I need to, and then let it go. This is our journey, and who cares how or when everyone else gets there? I know we can do this, and even if the end is different than we imagined, it will still be worth it.
I figured I’d speak out and describe my experience for anyone that has been through something similar, or is even just curious about the process. I’ll go into more details below, and if you have a family member, friend, or co-worker going through infertility, please be kind and show any support you can 🙂 It’s likely that if they have shared some details of their infertility journey with you, they would really appreciate check ins and chats about the process, or different topics to take their mind off of it!
If you are scared you are going to say the wrong thing or don’t have the words, just tell them that! Everyone is different, but examples of things that have been said to me that I have appreciated and am so grateful for are:
“I don’t know what to say, but I am here whenever you need me.”
“What can I do to help?”
“I love you and I’m sorry you are going through this”
“You can share as little or as much as you want with me”
Pretty simple, right?!
OUR INFERTILITY STORY
Are you still reading?! HAHA. In case anyone has gotten this far, I’m sharing our whole infertility journey up to this point!
We tried naturally for about 8 months until I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist. I am typically accused of being a hypochondriac and getting overly concerned about every little health issue, but I just had a feeling something was wrong. My periods were all over the place, and I was having a hard time tracking my ovulation with kits. I went to my gyno for a standard check-up and asked for more testing on my fertility to determine if there truly was an issue.
I got the standard answer that any woman under 35 needs to try for a full year before seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist, and that everything was probably fine. I was finally referred when I continued to push that there was a possibility that I wasn’t ovulating. I 100% agree that women need to be their best and fiercest advocates, but some of the responsibility also lies within the medical field. Can we just all agree that women of reproductive age should easily be able to take simple blood tests (such as AMH) to give them some more clarity into their fertility? There are a lot of fertility factors and I know blood tests don’t give all of the information, but at least they give a head start in detecting any major warning signs.
Ok, rant over! About a month and a half later, I was able to see the Reproductive Endocrinologist in Chicago. This was RIGHT before COVID started, and it was crazy to visit the office and have all of the general testing done, and then have everything put on hold for quite a few months. With these standard tests, we found that my AMH level was very high. My first thought was, “I’m 31 and I have about the same amount of eggs as a teenager, this is a good thing, right?!” After speaking with my doctor and doing some research, I determined that this is concerning because high AMH levels are typically associated with PCOS, which can cause infertility.
Most of the tests were very simple (blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.) but the only tests I really disliked were the SIS (Saline Infusion Sonogram) and HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). The goal of these tests is to make sure your fallopian tubes are open because any blockages could be a cause of infertility. They insert either dye or saline into your tubes and take x-rays. Due to my hypochondriac tendencies, I googled information about how women handled these procedures before mine was scheduled. The majority of women said the SIS was easier than the HSG. Depending on how their body reacted, some women felt minimal pain, but some found it excruciating.
My experience was closer to the latter, and I actually started sobbing after my SIS because I was not expecting it to hurt that badly. My HSG felt almost the same, but I felt much more prepared that time and was not surprised by the sharp pains. They prescribed me medicine called doxycycline to prevent an infection. Afterwards, there was good news and bad news. The good news was that my tubes were open (yay!), but the bad news is that the Doxycycline gave me esophagitis, and I could not eat or drink more than a tiny sip of water for almost a week due to the pain. If you ever take doxycycline, DO NOT take it before you go to bed. It is so acidic that it might get stuck in your throat and will erode your esophagus. LESSON LEARNED!
Because everything looked good on the tests, we decided to try Clomid (medication that helps ovulation) for a few months, which did not result in a pregnancy. Around this time, we were moving back to Atlanta from Chicago, and I worked to get everything transferred to our clinic here (which is a stressful task in itself)!
When I met with our new doctor in Atlanta, she diagnosed me with PCOS and suggested that we ramp up the process and start IUI procedures. IUI stands for Intrauterine insemination, which means that the doctor inserts the collected sperm (whether from your partner or a donor) directly into your uterus. I took Clomid again, and also took a timed shot called Ovidrel to induce ovulation so they could time the procedure right.
After the first IUI, I had my first (and only) positive pregnancy test. I remember waiting for the minutes to pass for the pregnancy test result, scrolling through my phone and trying to distract myself. When I saw it was positive, I gasped out loud and ran to my husband. We were shocked, excited, and grinning from ear to ear.
I immediately went to the bookstore and bought “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. It sounds so silly, but I have always wanted to read this book and I knew it would make me excited about the journey ahead. I love to read and I am fairly Type A. When a new situation presents itself or there is a major change in my life, my motto is “Knowledge is power”, and I want to gather as much information as possible!
I called the doctor to get a Beta test to confirm the pregnancy. I waited until the next day to get the results, and they confirmed that I was in fact pregnant, but that the HCG levels were a lot lower than normal. I went back to the office that week to have my levels re-tested, since the nurse said that the low level is not as concerning if the levels double or increase significantly.
After a day of waiting, the nurse confirmed that my HCG levels were not increasing enough, and that it was a chemical pregnancy, or very early miscarriage. Obviously, we were crushed. I thought that once I got a positive pregnancy test that I would be in the clear. At first, I was mad at myself for getting so excited and “jinxing” the process by buying into the fact that we would finally be parents. But then, I realized I was so happy that I (and my husband) had those few days to daydream and get excited, even if it didn’t turn out the way we wanted it to.
After this, we did three other IUI’s, and they were not successful. In the meantime, we were completing paperwork and orientations for IVF in case we decided to step up the treatment. In Vitro Fertilization is probably what people think of when discussing fertility treatments. This is when the female takes hormone shots to hopefully increase the eggs produced. Then, the doctor removes the eggs and combines it with sperm inside a lab, and the embryo(s) are placed back into the female.
It was a big decision for us to go this route, mostly due to the financial cost and stress it will place on my body. IVF is a long timeline, with a lot of shots and uncomfortable symptoms. When we confirmed that almost all of the procedure was covered by my husband’s amazing insurance (minus the cost of embryo freezing and medicines needed), we decided to proceed.
I have a lot of mixed feelings. One side of feelings is sadness, shame, disappointment, stress, and the list goes on. I’m frustrated by my body. I feel like a failure. I feel guilt about using part of our savings for something that should come naturally to me, when we could be investing, spending the money on our new home, or saving more for our (hopeful) future children.
However, the other side is gratitude, joy, and anticipation. I’m so happy and excited to get to this next step and I feel so grateful that we able to cover this financially, because SO many (the majority) of women or couples that want to explore IVF cannot due to the insane cost. There is so much progress that can be made with insurance coverage. In the majority of states, there is no obligation to provide any coverage for any infertility procedures (including for cancer survivors/warriors). But what can we expect when it’s not even mandated to get paid maternity leave in the U.S.?! Our country, legislation, and insurance companies need to DO BETTER.
OK, second rant over 🙂 If you are the one person that is still reading this, thank you so much for your support. 1 in 8 couples (about 13%) experience infertility. I am sure every person knows someone that has experienced issues with getting pregnant. If you don’t think you do, they probably just never shared their struggles with you personally.
If one person reads this and is more comfortable with their infertility, or if someone learned what their loved one might be going through, it was 100% worth writing this long rambling post (ha). But I’ve realized that writing it all out has been therapeutic too! Please feel free to reach out to me on social media, e-mail or on my blog at any point if you want to chat about this or have any questions!
